


I won't let go

by damn_applejuice



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 15:03:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4483922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damn_applejuice/pseuds/damn_applejuice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester gets a call from his best friend Castiel, which might even be their last conversation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I won't let go

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HelloPumpkin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelloPumpkin/gifts).



Dean Winchester could say that he felt pretty good. Not that his life was only sunshine and smiles, but he had managed to be positive about small things. He was studying engineering at a university not far away from his apartment and even though he wasn’t the best student of his year, he could say he was doing pretty well. He shared his small but cozy living space with his younger brother Sam who was studying law. Nothing out of the ordinary, but Dean was doing fine as he rolled out of bed that particular Saturday. He heard cluttering coming from the kitchen, which meant that Sam was already awake and _hopefully_ preparing breakfast. He shambled out of his bedroom and as he entered the kitchen, his younger but much taller brother looked up from the stove.

“Morning, sunshine,” he chuckled.  
“Heya, Sammy.” He inhaled. “Eggs. You’re the king, dude.” He playfully ruffled the younger man’s hair before grabbing two mugs from the countertop. Dean shot a look outside the window.

“Damn, it’s gonna pour today,” he pointed at the grey, restless clouds covering the morning sky. He shared breakfast with Sam at their table. On Saturday, Dean had college at night, and Sam at noon, so Dean would spend most of his day alone. As soon as they had finished breakfast, Dean went back upstairs to take a long shower. He never allowed himself to take long relaxing showers, but on the weekends he made an exception. When the hot water was rinsing off the shampoo in his short honey-coloured hair, he sang Van Halen, not caring about off-key notes or messed up lyrics. As he hopped out, wrapping a towel around his cold body, he heard heavy raindrops rattling outside and far, far away, he vaguely heard thunder. “Great,” he grumbled and hurried into his room to get dressed.

He spent his day studying some and relaxing on the couch, reading crappy car magazines he secretly enjoyed.

It was around five, when he felt the phone in his pocket buzzing. He got it out and saw a picture of a dark haired guy around his age. Cas. Dean’s best friend, Castiel Novak, someone he had met a few years ago and now inseparable from him. He smiled, threw the magazine on the ground and pushed on the green phone icon.  
“Hi Cas, whazzup?”

As soon as he heard the first sob, he knew something was wrong.  
“D..dean-” The voice was shaky, weak.

“Hey man, something wrong?” he asked concerned and sat up with his brows knitted into a frown.

“Dean I… I-I-I…I’m s-saying goodbye.”  
“Goodbye? To me? What for? Why are you crying?” Dean asked strained.

A loud sniff and another sob.

“I- I can’t do it anymore Dean, it’s over. I’m so s-sorry, Dean, I didn’t want to hurt you, still don’t want to but,” his stutterings were interrupted by another loud sniff, “this is going to be a farewell-”  
And suddenly it hit Dean deep in his chest, he understood what his best friend was telling him. _No._ He didn’t notice that he jumped on his feet, blood rushing through his body.  
“CAS!” he yelled, “Cas don’t do it. Whatever you’re gonna do, don’t! Where are you?!” He only heard sobs. “Cas, you are gonna fucking talk to me now!”

“R-roof, Dean… I’m on the roof of the library.” he whispered.  
“Don’t fucking do anything stupid, I’ll be there in one minute.” He said hastily and grabbed the keys of his house. The library was close to his apartment, he was able to run that, especially now.  
“No, p-please, stay there, I don’t want to see you. I don’t want you to see me.”  
The voice on the other side of the phone was terribly soft and barely audible, but Dean heard every single breath.

“No you are not gonna move, wait for me. I’m coming to you- please, don’t do anything.”  
“I’m sorry-”  
“No you son of a bitch! Don’t. Fucking. Move.” He threw his phone on the couch before he yanked open his front door. His mind didn’t register if he had closed the door behind him or not. Even the fact that the wind was gashing his face and that the rain had already soaked him in those seconds didn’t get a hold of him, he was only focused on Cas. Dean ran, but he didn’t feel the slippery ground under him. He fell, but the grazes on his hands were just simple feelings, things he didn’t care about. _Please, don’t jump. Cas, please, I beg you- don’t._ It was all his mind could do. _Cas._  
Dean knew things had been rough for his friend. Of course he knew, he was the only one Castiel had ever been honest to. Growing up without real parents, not many friends and even though his foster parents had been lovely to him, it had never felt just _right_. He had always been shy and quiet which made him an easy target for bullies that seemed to dedicate their miserable life to hurt Castiel. This had made the young boy even more introvert. High school had been a good new start, new people, new chances. It went pretty well even though he was still a bit- different from the others, maybe because he’d grown up much more in the past years than a boy his age should. And then, his foster mother died suddenly. It had broke his heart, the woman who had always tried to be there for him even though she had no real relation to him. He felt guilty for sometimes thinking that she had not been good enough and that he had needed more. It also hurt him that he didn’t  remember saying he loved her, and it made him even worse. Around this period in his life, Dean had already been there and he had tried to help Castiel get over this. He kept telling him that it wasn’t his fault, that his foster mother had known that Cas loved her and that he should not feel guilty for thoughts that were absolutely normal. This had helped him sometimes, but had also led to fights in which Cas would use his rare, loud and harsh voice and sometimes even throw with books to Dean that lay nearby. That hadn’t been an issue for Dean, because he wanted Cas to throw it out in any form; sobbing against Dean’s shoulder or yelling at him, it didn’t matter. The words he heard hurt, of course, but he pushed them away and forgot them if Cas looked at him with those big blue eyes and whispered a sorry when his rage was all over.

He didn’t know when it happened, or why, or how, but with every single day he spent with Castiel, their friendship grew stronger but it also _changed._ For Dean, at least. He hadn’t noticed it at first, but he felt it eventually, in a good way. The way he looked at Cas shifted; he felt a shock rushing through him every time his friend smiled, his cheeks started to burn whenever they shared a long stare and if they got into a little romp, Dean had to hold back the urge to hold him _just_ a little longer or closer. And one day, when Cas had texted him a _“Good morning, Dean (:”_ and his face immediately lit up, hands trembling as he answered with a “ _Hey Cas, morning sunshine_ ”, he had realised that he was in love. In love with this cute, handsome, sweet angel. Dean would sometimes try to give a simple hint, a flirt, but Cas was so naive - a very cute thing, if you’d ask Dean -, that he never really knew if Cas understood.  

And now, this same Castiel, was standing on a God knows how high roof, about to _end_ his life, and Dean was scared as hell that he would be too late. _Please, Cassie, don’t,_ his mind kept repeating. Every step on the ground made his legs feel heavier. His heart was sinking together with his hope. _I shouldn’t have hung up. I should have stayed on the phone_ , he thought with gritted teeth. _As well as that I should have told him how an amazing person he is and how much I care for him._ But there was no time to go over “stupid decisions by Dean Winchester” now. Cas was all that mattered. _Please, buddy, please._ Dean was panting as he ran around the corner. His heart was pushing against his throat and with fear he looked up into the grey sky. Rain blurred his vision and for one moment he thought with a shock that there was no one there. _No-_ but suddenly he saw a silhouette, not even that small. The height of the building still was terrible. Should he scream? Yell his name? But he did not. He didn’t need to think to know what he had to do. His feet led him to the door, fast, but not fast enough. He bursted through the door, people looked up but he ignored them and flew up the stairs taking three, four steps at a time. A shot of pain hit him when he twisted his ankle but _who cared,_ he had to get to Cas. Pushing away people who shouted things he hastily looked around, gasping for breath. “Where are the goddamn stairs!” he yelled in panic. A door. He threw it open- nothing. Another door, and there was a small but precipitous staircase. The metal under his feet clattered when he blustered up the stairs, and violently threw open the door he found at the end. Rain and wind smote him in the face but couldn’t hold him back. There he was, the fragile body, standing in the rain on the edge of this library, back turned to Dean, face up in the sky. He was wearing his long beige trench coat. Dean himself was shivering, cold and soaked, only wearing his jeans and shirt with short sleeves, but he didn’t care.  
“Cas!” he yelled. The boy looked around, eyes big and sad. Dean ran further onto the roof, right towards Cas and even though Cas didn’t move forward it was noticeable that he was glad to see Dean. “Man, please, d-don’t. C’me here, get away from the-” he breathed heavily, “edge, Cas. For god’s sake, don’t do it.”

“Why won’t I, Dean? I-I don’t want to hurt you, and I know that if I jump right now from here, I will. But the thing is, I will also hurt you if I wouldn’t.”

“That’s not-”

“If I would just stay and sit at home all day being sad, that won’t make you happier!”

“Cas, don’t tell yourself that, because that’s not true! Of course I don’t like seeing you cry- but that’s not because you, you - you- you annoy me or…-” The thickness in his throat made it hard to speak. Castiel’s eyes sheened with tears as he tore his gaze from Dean.

“I annoy myself.”

Dean took a step forward, not sure whether to take slow, small steps or clutch at Cas’ collar and grab him away from that _so_ dangerous edge, hold him tight and not let go. But somehow he was afraid that if he’d make any fast move, Cas would jump- even though he seemed very calm.

“Well you shouldn’t. I understand that everything sucks at the moment-- I really do, Cassie,” his voice stuttered against his trembling lips, “b-but I want to help you, please. Let me do.. do whatever you need or want because- just whatever you do, Cas, don’t jump. I need you, a lot more than you think.”

“Dean-” Cas didn’t move, but the look in his eyes changed. The tears slowly started to stream again and a shudder went over his shoulders and back when a lightning followed by a thunder crossed the sky. “You- are so strong, I am sure you'll be able to-"

"No! Cas I can _not_ go without you. Don't say that. Believe that you are needed, because you are." He took a step forward and raised his hand. He wanted to touch Cas, put a hand on his shoulder, grab him away from death. Close, safe.

"Dean- I am not s-strong enough. I'm sorry I... I j-just can't," he whispered.

"Then I will help you get strong. Please, I will do everything. Cas, don’t jump. P-please, don’t… For me, for yourself, for anyone.”

Cas shrugged, a movement Dean had never thought to scare him.

“You _are_ strong enough to be alone. And you have Sam.” Dean opened his mouth to protest, but suddenly Cas began to yell, hands clutched into fists. “Now for once listen, Dean! I am no good. I lost the woman who came as close to a mother as possible, and I was too stupid to realise how important her love was, until I lost her. And my dad, I only kill his silence when I’m over. And then there’s you, with an apple pie life, until I showed up with my problems and foisted them on you, because I was broken and looking for a shoulder to cry on. I fucking used you, don’t you understand?! When did I ever help _you_? Held _you_ when you were feeling like crap? Soothed _your_ tears with soft words, huh? Never. I’m nothing more than a burden to you.” Cas breathed heavily, glaring at Dean, angry because he still seemed to care.

“You’re not a burden to me,” Dean whispered. He dared to step closer so Cas could hear him through the heavy rain. “Oh, Cas, don’t you understand how it feels when you stand at my door crying, and fall in my arms? The way you clench on me so trustful? You make me feel needed. And after we talked, when you feel better, and your lips curl into a small smile, through your tears, _that_ moment is so important to me,” he said and reached out his hand to put it on Cas’ shoulder. Cas shrugged it away, which made Dean’s heart cringe. But he went on. “And of course it hurts to see you in pain, but you can’t feel guilty for that. It hurts because I care about you.” Dean didn’t talk about things like feelings a lot, but he wanted, no he _needed_ Cas to know how important he was to him. Cas let out a sob and chewed his lip when he lifted his head, looking at Dean desperately.

“But Dean,” his voice rough and broken, “what am I supposed to do with my life? If I don’t die, all this shit will repeat itself, it won’t stop. There will be more talking behind my back and I will be getting rejected, getting hurt and-”

“No!” Dean suddenly yelled back. He was angry, not at Cas, but at how everything, everyone around him had screwed him up like this. “You can cut this crap. Remember how you once told me that I could do _anything_ as long as I  really wanted it? Right now, I’m telling you the same. You want to change your life, do it. And you want to change your life. But you’re too scared that it’s gonna be the same or-”

“Nobody cares that I’m broken, Dean, nobody cares that I change my life!” Cas snapped furiously, with tears running over his cheeks.

“I do!” Dean answered, and suddenly there were also tears gliding down his cheeks, some dripping into his slightly opened mouth. “How many times do I have to tell you that you’re more to me than I can explain? Dammit Cas, I love you, okay? And I’d try to protect you from all the dishonesty that will come your way, and I’ll do it like I’ve done since the day we met. And I can’t get your mother back, I know, but we’ll be able to start over, change any godforsaken thing you want, just… j-just don’t jump. Don’t.”

He sniffed, angrily wiping a tear from his cheek.

“Forgive me.”

Cas took a step back, his foot hanging in the air. He turned his body and leaned forward, ready to fall.

Dean’s strong arms gripped him tight around his waist and he pulled him away from the edge, dragging him far from that terrifying depth. With Cas in his arms, he tumbled down on the roof.

“Fuck you, Cas!” He swore, “Jesus Christ, what did I _just_ say?!” Dean breathed heavily as he pushed himself on his knees and pointed a finger at his best friend. “Now you’re gonna stop self pitying and for once listen to a person who does. fucking. care.” And as Dean spoke, Cas’ expression started to change. “You are important, strong, smart, funny, friendly, loving, caring and amazing. And beautiful, from inside and out. You are not broken. You should be goddamn proud of who you are. If I would be Castiel Novak, I’d love myself so much it’d be creepy. And I want to see you smile when you look at yourself in the mirror, or whenever you get a compliment, I… I just wanna see you smile forever. And I meant it. I love you, you hear that?’ His chest was moving heavily up and down, heart pumping against his throat from the adrenaline and the sudden fear that he had had when Cas took that single step back. The silence was only filled with the sound of rain and a thunder far away.

“I’m so sorry, Dean,” Cas whimpered. Without a warning he wrapped his arms around Dean’s chest and buried his face deep in his neck. “I should’ve listened, should’ve understood.” He whispered close to Dean’s ear. “I won’t let you down, I won’t disappoint you.” Dean’s clothes were soaked and the wind made him shiver, and Castiel was just as cold in his doused trenchcoat, but when he embraced Cas’ trembling body, he felt warmth he had never felt before.

“It’s okay, Cas, you’ll be alright, no one can hurt you now. You’re not going to lose me.”

Cas looked up to him, still a little crying.

“I love you, Dean.”

Dean cupped Cas’s cheeks between his hands and _finally_ , firmly kissed him. Their lips were wet and cold. It was not how Dean had expected their first kiss to be. Not what he had thought of in all those moments he had imagined kissing with Castiel. It was clumsy and it tasted like salt from their tears, but it was probably the best kiss Dean had ever had.

Cas whimpered when their lips parted. Dean looked from his lips to his eyes, while his hands ran through Cas’ black plastered hair.

“Lets get you down, away from here. Come.” Dean got on his feet, pulling Cas up with him. He felt relieved, having Cas alive, with one of his arms protectively around his waist. He didn’t know how, or how long it took, but they managed to get downstairs in the warm hall of the library. There were about thirty people, outside, people that came running to them as soon as they stepped back into the rain. They were being touched by unknown hands, they were asked questions. But for Dean, there was only Cas. Somehow they made their way through the crowd. When they got away from the square, it went quiet, only they were outside here, and they walked fast.

As they arrived at Dean’s apartment, they stumbled inside, both refusing to let go of each other.

“We’re gonna take a shower, get you warm, and you’re gonna be fine.” Dean said, pulling the drenched trenchcoat from Cas’ shoulders. “I’ll stay with you, okay?”

Cas nodded, taking a shivering breath.

“Are you angry at me, for- for nearly jumping?”

Dean was not going to lie.

“Yes,” he said but gently kissed Cas’ lips. “But you can’t feel guilty for that. It hurts because I care about you.”

Through his tears, Castiel smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for my dearest HelloPumpkin.  
> Love you, bee.


End file.
